Cle Elum

So, I guess I just accept the fact that I won't be seeing my kids anymore. What, like I'm going to drive an hour and a half over the mountains for a three hour visit and drive back home. Shit, I don't think my car would even make that trip more than a few times. Certainly not without chains on my tires. I knew this day would come. It's what threw me into the pit of depression that was my holiday season. Now it is here and I must make a choice. Let it get the best of me and determine the outcome of my moods or deal with it, get over it and move forward. Easier said than done.

I'm very happy that Buster is back with me and that I am trying to get it together. I purchased my 2005 Franklin Planner today at Costco. Didn't really have the money to spend on it, but need to get back into the swing of planning what matters most. I plan on starting over. Working on my governing values. Working on my personal and business mission statement. And seeing that my daily activities are aligned with these values. I guess as far as Max, Hope and Liam are concerned. . . . I don't even know how to process this blow to my psyche. How can I be a good father to them, If I don't see them. I'm here for them, right? This is some fucked up shit.

I will take a deep breath, and then another. . . . life moves on. The continuing pain that breaks my heart day in and day out will someday. . . . what. . . hell, I don't know. . . but it's got to be better than what I feel now.


At least I got out of bed today. I made Buster breakfast, I made his brown bag lunch for school and made sure he was on time to catch the bus. I got out of the house, PAID MY RENT!!! Sent off some things I sold on ebay.

Think baby steps.

Don't think about Moira and the new life she is making without me in my children's lives. Oh what a tangled web we weave.