Pain

I drive myself crazy even in my sleep
waking up from a dream I can't handle
in this episode I'm sobbing like some schoolgirl,
why can't I get over her
why can't I heal
why must I pick that scab again and again.

In this dream she moved a short way away
although I was sad, I was happy
a ten minute dive to see my kids!''

Then after I woke up and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes
clearly not being able to handle the story in my sleep
I realized that it was not a 10 minute drive,
but an hour and a half drive over the mountains
and that there was a fresh restraining order in place.

It's been almost 2 years since she kicked me out of my own house
into the street with just the clothes on my back

I want to move forward. I forgive and accept. I still don't understand.
perhaps this is why my dreams feel more like nightmares
And perhaps I will haunt myself with these thoughts
for eternity

I hope to hell NOT