Issues, Baggage and Independence

Took Buster to the Airport yesterday. He's gone for the summer. Tried to make arrangements to see the little kids with Buster the week be fore he left. Moira said they were going to be out of town. Holidays are hard for me. Seeing happy families with kids playing and celebrating hurts me in a way that is deep and profound. I've made a lot of progress over the last couple of years in coming to terms with life's many uncertain and unpleasant realities. It's not what happens to us, but rather, how we choose to react. So, why is it that I don't want to go out there and street perform today.

To much shit on my mind can be distracting while performing. When the internal dialog gets too loud and shifts the performance into auto pilot, a new dialog needs to start. Like, "Get your head out of your ass, pay attention to THESE PEOPLE in front of you and do your job!"

Had a meeting scheduled with a lawyer last week. At the last minute he rescheduled the meeting to July 11. Am I ever going to get overnight visitation with my other 3 children? I think about this a lot. I am not overly optimistic. Now, two different state approved drug evaluators have determined that there is NO EVIDENCE OF DRUG ABUSE. This shit gets on my nerves. I just want to see my kids. I was a good father to them then, and I'm an excellent father now.

It's a beautiful day, the sun is shinning and the sky is blue. I was thinking about Busking at Alki Beach today. Just worried. Yesterday some self defeating attempt at improv comedy came out of my mouth and sounded more like me lashing out at the crowd. Yeah. . . that always works. We'll see. I may choose to celebrate this Independence Day by being independent.