Wednesday

Great afternoon chumming around with Buster. After school when I got home we hopped in the car to go on an adventure. The idea was to go somewhere that we hadn't been before. Not hard to do, as we pretty much stay in Alki Beach. It was a beautiful afternoon, one of those cool, crisp fall days like a Granny Smith apple.

I've always known that Buster has some artistic talents. I really like some of what he's done so far. He has great ideas of shooting and editing multi-angle shoots. I'd really like to help and encourage him. Seattle has some of the best Independent Film Making Schools around! Right ON.

I like the 4 minute clip we came up with yesterday. We co-directed and co-edited it. It was time for me to get ready to go to the Owl & Thistle, so he finished up the project.

I was checking my email and got something from the ex. More lies in a War of Hate. It breaks my heart every time. It rips away that scab on my heart in one quick motion and brings back the pain and sorrow quickly. "Fuck it!" I said to myself. "This don't mean shit." I will keep on coming on. I will complete the parenting class and jump through what ever little hoops you want me to. I will be your trained poodle to see my kids. I'll piss in any cup you want, pick the kids up at any police station that meets your sick, fucking deranged, paranoid, fat, lazy, drunk needs.

Ok I feel better. . . do you?

My new mood is battling the happy one from the afternoon. I try and loose the vibe, relax and mellow out. Remind myself that I'm about to be dancing with beautiful women who can actually stand my company. I got to the pub and took our normal corner table. No one else showed up from our posse. Which was good, cause it let me wallow and stew a bit more. KD (pronounced Katie) was there. I always look at her from across the room and want to talk to her. We've chatted and danced in the past and she seems like a nice girl. One of the few my own age. I didn't go and talk to her. Rather I took out my emotional pacifier and started shuffling them. Broke in a new deck of Tally-Ho Circle Backs while smoking my cigar and drinking a Crown Royal Kamikaze, straight up in a Martini glass.

The band started and played a few songs, I wanted to dance with KD but choked. I was full of doubt and fear. Fear of rejection, fear of dancing shitty, fear of not being good enough. My desire to dance overpowered all of my petty insecurities when they started to play "Beyond the Sea". I walked across the small dance floor put my hand out and asked her if she would like to dance. The world became a better place. I danced a few more dances with Maggie and KD.

Negative thoughts kept seeping in. I left after the second set and came home. I wondered what my kids ate for dinner.