Hate and anger. . . good or bad?

I met my first wife Cricket in high school, at the School for the Creative and Performing Arts in Cincinnati. After dropping out I left town for for 5 or 6 years, coming back occasionally to visit. I always made a point to visit with Cricket and her twin sister Annie who also went to SCPA. After living in LA with Sylvester the Jester, I moved back to Cincinnati. Cricket and I got married and toured the festival and comedy club circuit for a couple years or so before Buster was born. By the time Buster was two, we had been in marriage counseling for 8 months. Cricket was finally able to utter the words, "I don't want to be a wife, or a mother". That's all I needed to hear. I fired her. After our divorce she put me through living hell. . . or maybe I put myself through it. I was consumed by hate and anger for 4 years. It ate me up inside and took me to a deep dark place I'd rather forget. I remember getting to a point where I finally decided to let go of all that hate. It felt good.

That was a long time ago. Cricket and her boyfriend Larry are coming to Seattle to visit over Thanksgiving. She has not seen where Buster lives or the environment I have created for our son. I invited her and Larry to Thanksgiving dinner at my home. I like to think that we're good friends again. We talked for 45 minutes on the phone the other night. We laughed, talked about Buster being in high school. We shared memories of our own checkered academic past. It was nice.

After my divorce with Moira, I vowed that I would not go the hate and anger route. This has been good to some extent, Although I went into a different deep dark place in my heart, it wasn't the same. You see, I still love her. Lately I've been wondering If I haven't done myself a disservice. What I mean is, perhaps hate and anger is a powerful healing tool that allows one to move forward. I ask myself why I haven't been laid in 2 and a half years. Believe me, I'm one horny mother fucker. So, what's the problem. Is my love for my ex (who is still running me through the wringer) preventing me from moving on. . . . or what!

Fuck, I don't know. What I do know, is that I don't put any pressure on myself in that department. I do the best I can every day, with love in my heart and a smile on my face I face the challenges of my life.

I hope that somewhere down the line Moira and I can be friends again. It's ironic that one of the reasons that Moira fell in love with me was that I was an excellent single father raising a toddler on my own. I was always an excellent parent. Now I fight to see my kids because she says I am a dangerous drug addict. In fact she just modified the restraining order again to include the house she bought in Ellensburg.

For this I love and forgive her. . . . . why?