World Magic Seminar
Later today I leave for the World Magic Seminar. The way I feel at the moment, I don't even feel like going. The walls are closing in on me as I fight depression. I really feel like smoking some pot, but I want to see my little kids too much to fuck that up. Wednesday morning, while at the convention I have a mediation conference call with Moria and Ed Greenleaf from Family Court Services. The fight is just about to get good and I feel like throwing in the towel. Moira and her "Life Support System For Her Pussy" Lawyer Slitdress McCumful have no desire to embrace the opportunity to mediate. They are preparing for war at the trial in April. . . and so am I. They have no idea what is in store for them. Slitdress, who starred in a bunch of bad porno movies in the 70's is gonna feel like the flick where the horse ripped her poor asshole apart. It was a great scene. . . almost as good as the one we will shoot in April. Wonder what happened to her, I used to like her. I remember jacking off to her films in high school. Guess she got tired of getting fucked in the ass and wanted to start doing some of the fucking. Law School seemed like a wise decision for a spent piece if jet trash. Amazing not only does she get to fuck me, but she gets to fuck Moira at the same time. Must remind her of her old job.
I get back on Thursday and Fly to Cincy on Friday. Perform at the Weinstein Bar Mitzvah on Saturday then to Cleveland on Sunday for the funeral do over, memorial service, back to Cincy on Monday and fly back to Seattle on Tuesday.
I am beginning to loose it. Feel too fragile to compete in an international competition in less than 24 hours. Earlier today I yelled at Buster so loud it sent me back to my own childhood, I slammed the door hard in anger and frustration. Fuck, really need to get a grip.
Whatever. With any luck this blog post will disappear like the others.
posted by Tom Frank at 2:07 PM
2 Comments:
Tom, you are my brother and I love you as you know, you think you got problems, here is an email I got from my younger sister yesterday...
Hi,
I hate writing this but I know that you need to know (or would be mad at me for not telling you) what's gone on.
On Feb 8th I took my own life. Sounds funny since I am sending this e mail but it actually did happen that way.
Reasons, reasons??? Well everyone has their own reasons for feeling sad, mad, hurt. I had mine too. There are MANY. You say, " who doesn’t get crap thrown at them in this life?" I know that I am no different than anyone. Everyone has to deal with it. God never promised that we would have a perfect life.
I will say that after hours of therapy I realize that I had too much happen to me that devestated me in a very short period of time. I, not GOD, was not strong enough to keep taking it. I hated life, waking up, seeing people that I love (the parting was hurting too badly). I hated everything, even being a mom and a wife. It was all too much and I knew that I was doing a job that I was not proud of... therefore I hated it.
I love my children and Jeff. I didn’t want to hurt them and knew what I was going to do would hurt them badly. The reason that I did overdose was because I KNOW that my kids have been through hell with me as has Jeff. Every day was another day for them to wonder if I would even get out of bed, seem normal and offer them a sense of security that no matter what was wrong with me it would eventually be fixed. ....... After years of this hell. Their hell and mine. I could see that all the $ we spent, all the doctors that I went to, all the weird, & new age science fixes, all the therapy, all the medicines from antidepressants, sedatives, pain killers, muscle relaxers, nerve blockers, anti seizure medication... It is almost endless... I felt that there was no answer I did turn to GOD many, many times. I believe strongly and have since age 11. It was hopeless. I wanted my kids to have a good mom. The mom that I used to be. I wanted Jeff to have a new wife. It makes sense... What man doesn’t want younger, better spouse (there are a few of course that don’t). I had failed him, I was such a mess that he had to take over my mom jobs. He rarely complained and I don’t know any man that would have stayed with a wife like I was. Maybe my step dad... There are, as I stated, a few that would. Jeff deserved the best and I was on the other side of the sprectrum. In my mind it would make these guys here happy to be rid of me in the long run. A year of mourning then on with the fun of their lives.
In Nov. I knew it was only a matter of days before I would drive to the county coroners office, take pills and let them find me. After all, they are used to it and my family wouldn’t have to see me.
I checked myself into the suicide wing at Stevens Hosp. in Edmonds next to my pain doctors office. I thank him for getting me to go.
During my 1 day at the hospital which was supposed to be 3. They (several doctors, mind shrinks, nurses) researched my background, received my med files and told me that I had done EVERYTHING and that there wasn’t a med I hadnt tried, a product I hadnt bought and that they couldn’t do anything for me. They did tell me however that there was a new therapy out of the U.W. and it was working miracles. As it was my only hope, I joined right there. I went to this therapy and loved it. It was helping me improve and helped me make this Christmas, the only one I can remember in the last 7 years that was a beautiful occasion.
What happened was that I have become agorophobic... I hate leaving my home, especially at night. Fear from the gang threats... The classes were at night and a 2 hour drive each way with a 2 hour class when I got there. I also had another one-on-one therapy at the same place two nights later. This worked for 1 month then the anxiety and fear entered. I began crying the day of class, then the day before, then 2 days before... before I knew it, the therapy was causing me to stay in bed for days crying (as it was before). What a mess my mind was and even through the therapy it still was a mess.
I had become afraid the only answer available to me was now, not available. Depression set in.
For the first time in his life, my son Adam, let go and told me how he felt about me. It was not good. I knew I was a crap mom but to hear your own son yell it at you then having your husband admit that he felt the same way was not something I could handle.
The next day, on the phone with Jeff we fought. I will not tell you what was said but what I got out of it, at the very end of the call Jeff said there were pills enough for me to take on his dresser. He meant for my physical pain but as he had just told me to 'get out' if I was so unhappy, I thought he wanted, as I did, for it to be permanent.
I took the most dangerous pills I had first. Some left over ones that I had. The company that made them is currently being sued in the courts. They cause death, suicidal thoughts and suicide. How appropriate... I took two heaping handfuls...80-100. I grabbed all the pills I had left for all the things wrong with me. Took all them too. Guessing, I took 150 +. Then I sat in bed (my home for 6 years) and wrote love letters to my kids and Jeff. I never stopped loving them.
Jenna came home but my door was locked. She didn’t know I had taken this dose. Jeff came home and tried to get in. As I am yelling for him to leave me alone, he wouldn’t. He busted in the door and found me barely coherent. Then I was gone. Blissfully gone.
Jeff had to recessitate me. Shouldn’t have been able to, as I had taken what amounted to actual poison. The paramedics arrived, took over and out to the ambulance I went. Three paramedics vehicles arrived, one fire truck and a sheriff. As the ambulance began backing out of my driveway with me inside, I shut down again. The men of one of the ambulances parked at the end of the property saw this and jumped in the ambulance (paramedic vehicle)with me and all 4 were now working on me. I was not awake and remember only one thing about the whole ordeal.
Jeff was wondering why there was a paramedic truck there with the engine running, doors open but no men.
He and Adam followed the truck with me in it. Jeff had to stop for gas. When they pulled into the gas station Jeff saw the ambulance parked there with me in it and another ambulance parked next to it. He ran to it to see what was wrong. The 6th man (2 from each vehicle) was standing guard, so to speak, and told Jeff that I had once again went under a few miles back and upon coming awake from their (once again) recesitation, went crazy.
There were 4 men already with me but when I came 'to' I was enraged that I kept dying and they kept reviving me. I do not remember but that’s what I think I must have felt. I did not want to come back and they weren't co-operating. When I did wake I was wild! I was so wild that the 4 men could not control me. They had to call that 3rd truck to get more help. It took 5 men to restrain me and either strap me down or re strap me down. These are huge men in the best shape of their lives. These are men that are trained to deal with every kind of problem. They couldn’t contain me. All I can say is that I remember none of it. I am ashamed to the very bone that I did all of this. Jeff later told me that I knocked one of the men down when I sat bold upright in a seizure. My mouth hit his head and landed him on his butt. I guess I also bit one of them. I am embarrissed.
I am going into so much detail to show just how desperate I was to die. Also, I need to get this out of me. And... maybe you need to know or would like to know???
They got me strapped in and made it to the hospital with me. I do not know what they had to do to keep me alive. I am afraid to ask as I don’t want any more guilt. I do not know if I went under for a fourth time.
I awoke the next day in the hospital with a 3-4" round x 2' tube in my mouth and down my throat. Sometime I remember a face mask and a nose tube.
When they brought my family in it hurt. I had lived and I had hurt them. That was not my intention. Thinking I knew best, I was to die and give them relief. Die and give myself relief. Once again I was faced with the fact that I hurt my family immeasurable. Now I am thinking... If I could not stop hurting them before the overdose how am I going to stop now and will they ever trust me again. I wouldn’t blame them if they threw me out, yelled at me for hours, never talked to me again.
I am home now. It has been 11 days since then and I am raw. I stopped taking many of the pills that I was on that I figured were causing the most damage. Withdrawal was hard and it is still going on. Poor me huh? How pathetic I am. I cannot sleep without nightmares. I deserve this. I at first had a nightmare about every 45 minutes, waking up screaming and always trying to reach and grab something. I was waking up in the middle of a panic attack. All I can compare it to is waking with a man with a mask standing over me with a large knife ready to kill me (very ironic) the moonlight lighting him up just enough for me to understand what I was seeing but not enough time to escape and unable to make a sound. The screaming took several breaths of wakefulness before noise would come out.
When I got out of the hospital I could not walk. Even in the hospital I could not move my legs at all. It was impossible. My muscles didn’t work and whenever I tried it hurt so bad I had to stop. My arms werent much better. I figured that the first pills I took (for leg pain) had destroyed my legs. After 2 days home everything began to operate correctly. Now I realize that I could not move because I had fought so desperately in the ambulances against those men, that every muscle was stretched to its most capable and couldn’t work without total rest.
At home... living with the same problems that I wanted to leave. More problems than before; family mad at me, shame, hatred, fear, love, pity, blame, not to mention the medical bills that are on their way,.. all these feelings are floating to and from my family and me. I am worse now than before in the guilt and shame department.
GOD, Our GOD is here with me. Sounds silly but I am not alone. I sit in my room and cry but not alone. I wake screaming and cant stop until I yell out to Jesus to help me. Then he does. Can you believe that? He does. Slowly my heart slows back down and I can breath normal. He fills my heart and I cry that I never let him in enough before and made my own decisions. All my decisions were mine and all my pain was mine cuz I wouldn’t give them to GOD.
Seems so simple now, you know, the answer. God does not cause our/my pain. We do or others do. I even had pain that I developed in my mind that never happened. Had I been open to Jesus and followed his teaching I have to say I would never have wound up where I did.
I am not 'Jesus Freakin' here. I have just realized that in my life there is only one answer and one way for me to go. I hit bottom because I never hung on to the rope of survival. I always let go. I went to the bottom so many times, always climed back up, usually all by myself (that takes tons of energy and that’s why I couldn’t handle the next problem.. this is my philosophy). I cannot do it anymore. I am beat. I am sapped. I am crawling unable to walk. Now I have to figure out how to regain my feet. I never could do it before... get on my feet and feel strong, knowing I could be happy during my strifes. That’s all over now. All over. I have remembered that I am a child of God. How do you forget that?? Well I did. I am a child of God and I never have to go back to that fearful, depressed, sick life again. How about that??? Far Out!!!
I am human and will fall but by God, by God I don’t have to stay down.
I have a long road ahead of me, I know that. Lots of work. Mostly I don’t care... Sometimes it seems too big and I cry but I am looking forward to finally walking with Jesus and not alone. I don’t know my way alone and its scarey.
I wanted to tell you that Chris picked me up at the hospital, brought me home and held me together. She helped Jeff and the kids learn what was wrong with me. She cooked for us. She held me for hours while I wailed and cursed. She climbed into my bed while I was screaming, swinging, kicking, totally uncoherent of what I was doing and calmed the waves of fear. She listened to me, understood me and cried with me. It was amazing!
Chris and I have had our problems and fights but we formed such a bond that I feel will never be broken again. God gave me this too. I am again amazed.
I also wanted to tell you the one thing I remember during my suicide day. The one time I did wake that I remember anything at all... I woke up mad, very mad. Where I was (inside my body/mind) was warm. It was soft and it was glowing. I saw no bright light or any white tunnel like some people see, maybe cuz that’s not where I was heading. I felt good and did not want to leave that space. I know that people say you go to hell if you commit suicide. Maybe that’s why I am still here so I would not be in hell today. I don’t remember reading that in the Bible though. I will say that I did not want to go to hell and I didn’t think I would. I guess I believe that God made me and if I give up cuz I am stupid that he's not gonna throw one of his children away. The Bible says once you repent, accept Jesus as your Savior, that you are going to Heaven. I may be wrong, no one really knows. If I am wrong though, GOD SAVED ME FROM THAT TOO!
I was at the bottom. I heard once that you are supposed to give thanks to God even for your problems, trials. I did this a few times and he gave me so much. Not just my life.. I am still sad and have enormous depression... He has given me His Grace. His wonderful forgiveness. Why do I deserve that? I did try to take the life He gave me. He even told me to live it abundantly. This is our God! He gives me gifts even after all I have done. He has brought people into my life to support me that I never knew other than a hello. He sent some of his other children to my front door, literally, to give me flowers and cards and prayers. I cant believe this. Its happened almost daily since I've been home. I am more home now than I have been in 6 or more years.
This has become a huge letter. I hope it shows you why I havent been in touch. Even more, I hope it shows what God had done and how he has worked in my life. Not for him but for ME.
I am sorry for all the pain I have caused. I am sorry for a lot of things.
I have been saved again and I do praise God.
I love you,
Jan
6:18 PM
Tom,
Hang in there, seems everything always works out in the end. When you feel that down, take that picture out of your pocket, and remind yourself its all for the kids
G
5:40 PM
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