In my "In Box"

From my Aunt Janey

Hi Tom,

Sorry mediation didn't go as well as you had hoped. Moira sounds just like Jim's ex, Helene. Irrational and determined to be in control. We used to have to travel to Connecticut (3 hours each way) but at least had relatives with which to stay. I understand your frustration, and can only urge you to keep your end goal in sight. Don't throw the babies out with the bath water! Some things you may wish to try include setting specific dates, rather than a regular every-other schedule. Try to get near or on major holidays, or 3-day weekends, so you have Mondays to spend with Buster. Maybe you can set your visits for once a month and look into combining the visit with business--seek gigs--or cheap hotel deals that would give you and Buster a chance to explore some new towns.

As for the mediation, itself, I did many a mediation with my work as a union building rep. It is very easy to use inflamatory language that will inevitably come back to bite you in the proverbial ass. Even though she is being unreasonable and a ball buster, you need to do some mind gymnastics and choose your words carefully. First, she may be caught off guard if she doesn't expect you to be so diplomatic, and second, more importantly, it makes you focus on your goals, not the anger she obviously knows how to evoke.

As for the drug testing, I vote, "No more!" If you're going to have to go to court, as it seems you will have to do, let a judge order that. One can hope Moira's unreasonableness will be clearly seen. If you're not going to have to go to court, what guarantee do you have that she's going to give you extended visits? I'm not sure she gets the mediation part of mediation. It seems she thinks she demands and dictates and you agree or make no progress! I hope you followed through on contacting DADs. It's good to get support from others who have had similar experiences, and maybe you'll get some good
strategies.

On a personal aside, we schlepped to Connecticut every other Saturday, until Sherry decided she was old enough to hop a train and come here. Then we went to get her when she wanted us to do so. We had a court order giving us every other holiday and birthday visits. We always tried to see her the weekend before or after her birthday or Jim's and Jamey's. Years later, she accused us of being terrible parents. According to her, I should have moved to Connecticut. She had to choose between 2 families, etc. ad nauseum. Moral? You're damned if you do. . .

Good luck on whatever your choice may be. You know you're a good father--just ask Buster--and I know you'll get through this.

Thinking of you with love,
Janey