Troubled Mind

The last few days have been OK. We had a couple of nice days. Sunny and in the upper 50's. I used the opportunity to go street perform at the market. Unfortunately the traffic was not there to make any decent cash. But I was there with my shit. A smile on my face and love in my heart.

Something has been bothering me. Every time I talk to the little kids, It breaks my heart and makes me sad. They're so happy, and I do my best to mirror their enthusiasm. But in my mind. . .

I have tapes in my car that I listen to. I try and brain wash myself into believing different things. At various points over the last few years they have been very helpful. From, "Getting to Yes" to "Managing Personal Change" to Visualizing Success" I want to move forward. I am trying very hard.

At the moment, I just want to smoke a joint and chill. But I won't. Instead I think I'll clean the house. I just got back from the market. I wanted to get in some shows (rent and all other bills rapidly closing in on me). It was raining, I drove by just to check it out and see if it might clear up.

Worked the Fenix Underground last night and made a hundred bucks for a couple hours of work. I'll do the same again tonight.

Another thing that has been bothering me lately, is the lack of funds. I used to make good money. Now it all seems like a grind to barely make ends meet.

I will make it better and get back on my feet. I have all the talent and motivation to make it happen. I just need to rid my life of all the negative feelings that are clearly counter productive and are obviously holding me back. Easier said then done. I'm trying.

After I got Buster off on the bus yesterday, I jogged a couple of miles. I hate jogging, but I'll do it. I want to make myself fit, both physically and mentally.

Well, I need to get the laundry out of the dryer, fold it and put it away. Then clean the house. I'm not liking the clutter that has been building up. Might grab a nap before working tonight and then the late night magic jam session with the boys.

IO Actions

A week or so ago, JR asked me two write in my planner "10 actions that move me closer to my goals". While I have been wishy washy about actual goals, I have been working on values and roles in my life. They are bringing me closer to the goal setting process. While I have some on going goals of booking shows and delusions of grandure about going back to China for my next round of manufacturing; My professional goals are not specific. On the other hand, my personal goals about my relationship with my children and my goals about my own behavior are begining to crystalize.

Here is my list:

1. Call Comedy Underground
2. Follow-Up Email to the Metropolitan Grill
3. Use Party Planner Resource - make calls
4. Street Perform when possible (above 50 degrees w/ decent foot traffic)
5. Review Buster's school work daily.
6. Write Max, Hope & Liam letters, call every two days.
7. Clean and organize my house and my life.
8. Exercise daily
9. Contact Drug Evluator - Start
10. Don't use drugs or alcohol

Well there it is.

I started this day in a bit of a mood. Buster overslept for the 2nd day in a row. Good thing I make sure he is up, in the shower, fed and out the door in time to catch the bus. feeling better now. Had a nice IM (instant message) session with Philemon. He is a very good friend to me. He was my right hand man at Seattle Magic and continues to be a positive force in my life. I am lucky to have friends who care about me.

Pike Place Market

Newsgroup Post From A Friend

Steve at 2:20am:
I wanted to share this with members of the tightcircle.
It's my hope that after you read this you will take a look
at what is truly important in your life.

A month or so ago a police officer in Idaho was shot while
attempting to arrest a suspect for an outstanding warrant.
The suspect pulled out a gun and fired at the officer. One
of the bullets struck the officer in the face. It went
through his cheek and lodged at the base of his neck.
The officer was able to return fire and kill the suspect.
The officer was taken to a local hospital and then later
airlifted to Harborview Hospital in Seattle. He was in
critical condition and had slipped in to a coma. His family,
wife and two daughters, came to Seattle and have been
staying in a hotel. The family decided to remove him from
life support knowing that he probably would not survive.
The day he was about to be removed from life support he
proved everyone wrong. While his wife was whispering to
him he was able to move his head, nodding that he
understood her. The doctors asked him if he wanted to
continue fighting on. He nodded yes. He remains in the
hospital surrounded by his family and follow officers from
Idaho.

We found out that his 16 year old daughter's birthday was
on Tuesday, January 18th. A surprise birthday party was
suggested to the mother. She thought it was a good idea and
that it would, at least momentarily, bring some happiness
to the family in what has been an extremely difficult time.
I was asked about doing some magic for the daughters. I
thought magic would be a great thing and perhaps it would
cheer them up. I called Tom Frank and asked him if he
would be interested in performing at the party. I told Tom
that we might be able to pay him, but I didn't know how
much. Tom said, "Any money that might go to me should go
to the family. I would be happy to perform at no charge."
Tom went on to say, "If I can do anything to help take
their minds off of this tragedy and put a smile on the kids
faces I would be more than happy to come."

Tom put on a great show, doing his cups and balls, linking
rings, coin manipulation and card tricks. He didn't miss a
beat. His timing was perfect, the jokes were well received
and got a lot of laughs, and at the end he received a
standing ovation from the audience (the 2 girls and about 75 police officers). I
can not put in to words how much this meant to the family.
I heard many comments about how great Tom was and what a
talented magician he is. Tom Frank is a good man, a good
father and a good friend. Thanks Tom.

Thanks for taking time to read this. Don't forget those
who are important in your life and remember that magic is
something very powerful that can bring happiness in times
when it seems nothing is good.

Good Day of Planning

I had a very productive laser focused planning session this morning. A couple of my A items that got checked off were: Identify and clarify governing values. This is on ongoing process, but felt good to work on for 20 minutes. One of the values was, "I love my kids". I clarified that with a paragraph in my planner. In keeping with that value, I decided to write Max, Hope and Liam a letter and mail it to them. I also decided to finally comply with the court ordered drug evaluation. For the last year and a half I have ignored this mandate. I saw it as a manipulative ploy by an vindictive woman and her cunt of a lawyer. Court ordered extortion, was more like it. I was seeing the kids 2-3 times a week without it, so not having overnight weekend visitations didn't bother me. Now that the kids live an hour and a half away. . . it bothers me. I'm not going to drive 1.5 hours, over the mountains for a 4 hour visit and then drive back. Fuck that!

Now the question is how do I pay the $550 fee for the evauluation when I can't even pay my bills. That's a tough one. I will offer to pay them $10 a week, if that won't do. . . guess I won't be seeing my kids. I never understood how I could be safe enough to take 3 kids under the age of 7 swimming, hiking, drive in my car, feed them etc. . . but not safe enough to put them to bed. When we were married I did it all the time. Must be something about coming into 400 Grand that messes with your ability to reason. Or perhaps the 40 thousand dollars she spent on her lawyer did something. Not having any money or a lawyer certainly didn't help me. But I wouldn't have done it any other way. I'm a proud man, and won't take cash from the folks, certainly not for this sort of shit. Groceries or rent if I absolutly had to. . . but not cum sucking lawyers or unneeded drug evaluations.

Shit Happens

I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire

No need to worry, I didn't really fall into a burning ring of fire. That's the name of a Johnny Cash tune, "Ring of Fire". I went to a Honky Tonk night tonight and got in a dance with Julie. The band was Knut Bell and the Blue Collars. Had a great time. Sage, Jeff and Kristan showed up. I was invited back to Sage's house after the bar closed, but I didn't feel like facing temptation. Monday will be two weeks of sobriety; I think I'll celebrate by shooting herion. . . . just a joke, mom. . . I'm kidding. Went out dancing 4 times in the last week! I'm not going to get any better if I don't get out there and do it more. I really enjoy watching the good dancers. Wil's girlfriend Carie (my dance instructer) came out Wednesday night to the Owl and Thistle to dance. We had a great time. She cut a rug with me and the better dancers. Lots of fun.

It's been a pretty good week. Buster and I went to a magic meeting up in Lynnwood, I performed some experiments in intuition and demonstrated a bit of NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programing). It was well recieved. I feel a warm connection with the magic community here in Seattle. They like me and I like them. It's really kind of a rocking scene.

Bought some sneakers the other day. I'm going to start jogging again with Kirk Charles. Brian Masters and I stopped bt the Fenix Underground last night for a bit to watch him work. I also bought a football for Buster and I to play toss with. We having been trying to get out and play a little every day. It's fun. Working with my planner has been helpful for me to identify my highest priorities and act on them daily. A couple of those items are getting some exercise and spending quality time with my son. Seems to be agreeing with both of us.

Last night we did something different we went to Sabbath Services at a Synagog. Don't ask me why, I don't know. I guess I'm searching for something that I'm not finding. We had a good time and saw a customer of mine from the shop. His name is Vance, he was there with his wife and two boys. I called him earlier in the day to see if we could come. I did a gig there last year. I wouldn't mind plugging into the Jewish Community here in Seattle. I have never been a religious person in my life, but I guess seeing what it's all about can't be a bad thing.

Today we ate buffalo wings and watched the playoff games on TV. Good games, both of them. In between games we went out into the freezing rain and tossed the football till it got dark. We came in, I made a fire, and dinner. And that's about it.

It's going on 3AM and I think it's time for bed. Goodnight.